Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
