I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
