Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
