I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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