My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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