Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
