I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
