when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You smell like stripper and shame
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
