My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize