i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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