Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
