shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
