I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
