dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
