I wish I could teleport
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
