I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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