Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Barsexuality is the new black.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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