Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize