I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
