So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
