remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
