i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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