found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
