I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
