Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
