he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
