I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
