Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm getting married
To pizza
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
