i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
