Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
