Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
