OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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