I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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