i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
