I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
