everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize