How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
