I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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