You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
