dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
