my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
