im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just pee around me
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
