I accidentally burped into my bong.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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