Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
