I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
