my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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