just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize