I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
