You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
