he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
