We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize