Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
