just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
