I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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