I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
