I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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